Words to live by, if you will.
There's no secret that it is all of our ultimate fate. From an early age we are aware that life is not forever. Whether you read it in "The Giving Tree," sat on the floor of your great aunts funeral and played with your barbies (guilty) or lost a County Fair goldfish two days after you won it and held a porcelain funeral service. In some way, from very early on, we know that nothing in this life is forever.
But fuck all that bull shit.
Death is for unwatered plants, old people, and 5 cent goldfish. Not for me, not for you, and certainly not for anyone close to me. It just can't be . . . but then it is.
When you lose someone close to you there is an emptiness that takes over. A mixture of emotions that range from sadness, to anger, to confusion, to regret, and at least for me, total fear. Not necessarily the fear of dying, but the fear of feeling this pain again. And worse, the fear that comes with the realization, that yes, at some point, you will feel this again.
My friend Tucker was truly one of a kind. I know everyone says that about their friends, and everyone can continue to say that, but this is my blog and when I say it I mean it, and you'll listen.
There was no one else like him.
As usual in Santa Barbara he and I met in the restaurant industry. I quickly took a liking to him as we would have several shifts behind the bar together. A total mis match of a bar tending squad, me 5'3 trying to always be sexy, and him 6 feet, and consistently trying to not be awkward. We were somewhat of a Sunny and Cher, something for everyone, variety show kind of squad. You could always count on Tucker to make you laugh, answer a tech question, not respond to a text for 24 hours (this drove me crazy), or fix anything, and i mean anything, you needed.
I am going to miss that.
Two years ago I suddenly found myself in love and engaged. Tucker had let it slip a year or so before that, that he had married two other couples in the past, so when planning my wedding there was no question who was going to officiate. At least no question for me, however when I asked Tucker, he promptly said no. I was stunned and sad, but mostly, I was pissed! I said no, you are going to marry us whether you like it or not. In his typical shuffling of feet, hands in pockets sort of stance he said, "Kami, both couples I have married are no longer together, I'm bad luck!" I laughed and said "still no, you ARE going to marry us." And he did. Just one year and one week and one day ago, he stood up there and gave us the ultimate and perfect 3 minute ceremony I wanted, and pronounced us husband and wife.
I will forever cherish that moment. Not just because it's the moment I got to be officially with the love of my life forever, but because it was Tucker who gave us forever - and although we know life can't be forever, I believe love can.
I love you Tucker. You will always be in my heart.